chipped nail polish

So just like almost everyone else, we want to make new years resolutions and yet, never seem to fulfill them. But then I had heard about this one word to describe what you wanted to change over the next new year, not really as a resolution, but you could call it that if you really wanted to. So i thought for a while about all the millions of things i would like to change and the word disciplined came to mind. Here are a few examples of why i need more discipline:

i am currently in the middle of reading 5 books, it takes me forever to finish a book, because i find a new one and my attention is turned to that book for a few days or weeks then onto another new book, and then i find myself in this situation. so i really want to get myself on a reading schedule, where i give myself a week or a week and a half to finish a book and then move on, but so far in january, that hasn't worked out well. discipline fail. already.

another one is the fact that i set out to work out 3 times a week. i either am totally into it, working out everyday for an hour or not at all or once a week. so i thought to set myself a reasonable goal where i could really be disciplined with it. so 3 times a week sounded great. discipline fail. i've only been working out once a week, if i'm lucky and i've volunteered myself to run a 5k in April. i've really got to be more disciplined now!

i really want to be a morning person, like i really really do! yet i will set my alarm for 7 am (yes i know that's not even early for some of you, but it is for me) and before i go to bed, be determined to wake up as soon as that alarm goes off and get started with my morning routine. yet i wake up an hour after my alarm goes off, because i hit the snooze button so many times. i roll out of bed mumbling "i hate mornings" out loud to myself. thus again, discipline fail.

then there is my nails. i know so simple, yet so annoying. i always tell myself i will paint my nails once or even twice a week as needed. i hate seeing other people with chipped nail polish, yet i have it ALL the time. so i've decided i would put the extra effort into doing my nails once or twice a week. discipline fail again, because as i am typing i have chipped dark purple nail polish sitting on my fingers. ha!

and there are so many more things that i wanted to be disciplined about, but i am not. i will not go on to list them because well, that's just really boring. so i kind of feel like a failure, kind of down and out. i can't even accomplish these simple things, yet how does God expect me to do such great things for him? just little old me, not really good at any particular thing, but oh how my heart beat to see lives changed for His glory. My desire is to accomplish ridiculously amazing things for God, and yet it seems like i can't even get out of bed at the right time in the morning.

then God in his great and unending love for me, says that He knows me. Rebekah Reese. inside and out, all my failures and short comings, all of my undisciplinedness. I get so caught up in my failures, in my weaknesses sometimes that i am overcome with guilt that i am not good enough. then God in his loving voice tells me that's why he sent jesus to die on the cross. He knew i would never be perfect, that i would fail and feel dirty and guilty, but he pursues me anyway, wants to use me in ridiculously amazing ways anyway. that's the whole point of the cross, and yet sometimes in my human understanding i can't wrap my head around such an amazing love.

i can't say that i'll figure out how to be more disciplined, but i won't stop trying, just like he won't stop loving me, just like He will never stop pursuing me no matter how many times i fail.